Broke child also with a broken mind:
I earn no money. I sense no rewards. I just consume what is not
even mine, my dad's money. I feel like I can't repay it. I didn't choose
to be born in such a post-apocalyptic society, yet I have to endure the biological act of
living, which needs food, shelter, and keeping my sanity at bay—which
costs even more money
in terms of a therapist and doctors. Because I have had zero even at 17
years old, and there is value, I perceive money as infinite scarcity, even when it's not
really. I feel bad for eating, and most things cost money, yet it takes so long to earn.
So, my brain is suffering
through what reality has done to me. Reality won't change, but my brain will slowly dissolve into a
zombie state. The guilt of using money that is not mine—even if he allows it, and even
if it is a duty, and everyone else does it—creates a feeling of being
unjust. The fact that I might not righteously own the food that I eat
still does bad things to the human psyche!
Yet, although this is the case, this argument is an unfruitful one because it is a truism. Any organism is like this. But humans cannot really produce their own food. Rather, school can add even more onto that; I get the sense of working for no pay. What even am I at this point? Yet I get so annoyed at the fact that people have to go through this!! Yet, because everyone else goes through it, "no do" means no job, and "yes do" is still not likely—it is basically nothing but a meritocracy. Where tribal people could hunt and see the fruits of their labor, I still cannot do the same. Others are in the identical situation (doing what is needed), yet there is no justice in blaming anyone else because they did not intentionally cause this horror. Yet the effects on the brain are that it steers so far away from biological Darwinism and into something beyond the uncanny valley. It is the valley of doom, where suddenly the earth cracks and I am left in boredom-hell for several hours per day, thinking about, "If only I had a job! Then I could fulfill the bottom level of Maslow's hierarchy (food)!" Isn't zero pay too harsh? Supposedly, if there is no pay and no intrinsic reward, there is no motivation to live such a life. Change is not enough of a motivation.
This state has been persistent for my entire living life, and there was never a chance to experience an alternate reality. Rather, even if I did, it was already so damaged by its culture, yet a detox is so inconvenient and impractical that there is a gigantic separation between reality, philosophy, human psychology, and also biological evolution. In the midst of this, the Greek god Chaos resurges to continue my misery of the eternal push of the boulder to fruitlessly find out my nature. Yet I perceive this as false; yet to an extent, all can be false, including the fact that I can escape this without death and perhaps get some money. All can be false, yet my ancestors lived. Why? How can this be? Is it that my joys got diminished by the guilt of not doing work (studying?) If studying is hell, all breaks are less hellish unless I am conceptualized into thinking it sabotages my chances for survival (which needs grades and merit). The more pay, the better the chances—chances for even more work until retirement! And then, of course, THERE comes the real human life, but the damage was already done: it was not starting from a suitable state, and the body is starting to weaken. And there comes the truism loop again. The cost of living is not only physical but also mental. Yet it is what it is, so the fundamental nature of reality leads itself to being the destroyer of the brain. I do not remember anything, except that I am slowly dissolving at the most basic unit that all other organisms do, which is to survive, and coming into a huge shock and paradox every day, perhaps more than a mind of stoicism can handle...