This is for awareness purposes mainly and may not reflect reality in full. Theoretically, without a red pill from SuperMemo Guru and some true ideas that fit the brain instead of being victim-blamed for all his or her life, such things below can occur because the brain internalizes all adverse conditions ONLY from the perspective of the school as personal failures, even though Stoicism has taught us that such things are out of our control - worse of all, it happens so slowly and is so normalized that the negative effects are very often dismissed as just "useless ranting", even though it can clearly be a signal that the school system DOES have gigantic negative effects that does not fit to our darwinism at all!
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April 11
Why do I exist even though I keep getting scolded by people over and
over? Is it fair to compare myself to the idealized version of me who
has never made any mistakes and lived in the best envisionment where I
can be free from their influence, where little pain bevels me?
A rigged game I can never win because I am always below what I envision,
however if I drop my standards I would be sad even more. It is a
misfortune that my existence brings about all types of pain to others
however I did not control whether my mother suddenly decided to have a
child one day, and I am biologically inclined to survive...
If I can never reach perfection, is it that it's just inevitably going
to flail around in pain, because at the end of the day I'm just an
insignificant part of mankind and barely anything would change with or without my existence
but all I see around me is the world going in chaos with extremely loud
noises and societal influences that do not work well for a
neurodivergent person like me, and pain is indulged into me by others.
Yet I still bother even after all these days and I do not know why, is
it just my biology or am I really just inclined to rebel against the
absurdity of all that?? And I am working towards being a version that I
will mathematically never achieve, struggle every day, what even is the
meaning of the struggle, if it means anything at all? Up til death?
I feel guilty for even existing as an imperfect being because I bring about all types of pain to parents, classmates for being so weird and such a burden, each day I exist I just consume food without bringing about much benefit if at all, consume resources like money endlessly until they run out
And at the same time, I will inevitably dissatisfy others if I be the idealized version of myself because my values are pretty much about stoicism and pragmatism without much social influence whatsoever and inevitably this would bring about all sort of misunderstanding about me being a rebel and cold-hearted piece of human body and mind. The fact that others exist means that if I want a job, i.e. survival I had already lost my true self from the moment I was born, being enslaved by societal standards mostly arbitrarily created by the sum of the average of the mankind and school inevitably exists to haunt my soul and sleep even more reminding me of how pathetic I am under the influence of such moral and pragmatic imperfection
I am not saying that I am responsible for all of this. Fault is subjective, but does it really matter who is responsible, because regardless I do feel the pain of being the very nature that I am, one of a human that cannot and will not ever be able to live up to the standards of the else and others, and even if i do that I just end up eating other plants and animals and consume until I die out too just like them without having done much, for the average human has not done much significant, at least nothing that brings about significant gains to others more than the pain and resource-drain that they induce, and it is a psychological fallacy to believe elsewise. but I am the one experiencing it for the axiomatic nature that I feel bothered by such things that I cannot really solve with the pathetic human power of one, a microscopic piece of sand compared to the figurative size of the beach of everyone else.
STILL, Is rebellion my purpose? But wouldn't it bring about lots of pain and confusion to others, and make them angry? OR is it that the education system discouraged it and punished me, or at least implicitly induced learned helplessness for that all along (for even if i rebel I see no significant change, I only see anger of my powerlessness)?
And how hard it is to rebel... I don't want to go to school yet I have to anyways otherwise I just die out by running out of money to buy food. But it is fundamentally a conflict that others brought to me and I have to suffer through years and years of my life on something I don't like? Why do I even bother? Everyone is in pain, nobody benefited from this... And even if I quietly rebel, I still feel pain. Thus pragmatic survival is done of minizine effort per gain which shows how insignificant I am and how even after years of thinking of how to self-improve I am inevitably bound by the societal standards yet again.
Even if I try to neutralize my pain stoically, or the resultants of it I still feel what I don't want to feel and experience what I don't want to experience and it is a cycle that perpetuated for as long as I existed! And for the things I do properly there is little gain, like breathing, yet endlessly scolded for my flaws like causing my underpants to get dirty. And inevitably that will keep occurring, for I am made much more aware of my flaws, even if I try to avoid them, I was inclined to be a pessimist all along, and it had already affected by brain's development and it is simply against my nature to believe elsewise... so it will be pain until death. I live despite that. And I take more breathes, yet the burden will still exist.
April 14
Why do I bother with anything I do, really?
Struggling with surviving the fact that life gets harder
And exerting myself to more monotony of revision day by day Just because
I could use scientific methods to destroy the education system from my
subjective experience
It will still exist to devastate everyone else, the fact that I had to
resort to this...
Just to experience more of it even if life doesn't "get better"?
My brain will get
bigger and bigger with more and more knowledge
But regardless
In the end, I die out regardless and nothing remains. Not sure how to
feel about when pain no longer exists in my subjective judgement but
also other stimulus too...
Who said life was positive value? Why do I assign a positive value to
survival?
And back to the initial question of why I bother...
This still fascinates me to this day
Working tediously (Memorizing and retaining)
For examinations (Many years of my life spent in stress)
For university (Even more)
For the chance of getting a job, just so that I can have food to eat
while retaining the tiniest amount of freedom I have (especially since others' influences
will inevitably reduce it, and the world, of course, inevitably has
other people)
(Which is not guaranteed)
And thus even more work done
So I am not free for a long time?
Since there is a lot of competition in other human beings
I am held up to the same standards even though my ADHD brain is fighting back
"Why! Why are you still living?"
Since others suffer through exams and how little I can do with CV
hunting due to my unusual nature
I inevitably have to do so too
Even though if I have given free agency here "No way, no way bro"
The cycle of what I want to do having their priority inevitably lowered
due to external factors, resulting in nihilism of my own unique values,
continues, and inevitably I can do nothing to fix it without impacting
my survival chances
"Why, man, you continue to exist in an unfair world?"
"You are working exhaustively just for survival (Min wage job = won't
pass away to starvation in 10 years) paradoxically just for the chance
to suffer more, to do even more labor at work"-echoes from my brain. (Technically,
there is one other way of being jailed which guarantees food, but my brain also irrationally
wants "freedom"...)
Because the ideal version of life is already dead for the inside
axiomatic nature of it being impossible to achieve, a "fantasy", a
"dream"; and the life that I am living, "real" life, is my afterlife;
and I am merely a puppet
to "human potential",
to "hope of potential resulting in a positive outcome, which most likely
will not be the case" and
to "human biology of wanting to survive, despite everything stacked
against the body, a grain of sand in a vast beach, the little power he
has on his own" ~ a mere body enslaved by his own algorithms.