Looking back at myself years ago was like a horror movie where I was in a zombie's body. I didn’t feel
like I was actually in control; I was a pathetic and irredeemable human being, controlled by what
could only be described as a malfunctioning, chaotic brain. My actions felt detached, performed by a
vacant shell, while the reflection of me in the mirror watched helplessly from some distant, horrified
corner of my mind.
Every day, there was no reason for me to get out of bed to do anything. Nothing is useful. I feel like a
slave, being commanded by my teachers and parents like child labour. I feel a sense of guilt, because
I am a piece of garbage despite trying so hard, the effectiveness of what I’m doing is low due to my
horrible, indescribable mental state at that time .
I had a brother too. He was an annoying person, doing violations to me, bullying me, for example by
messing with my computer and even assaulting me. I got blamed for not being able to handle this as I
was the older child(but still not old enough to be mature, obviously). What do I have to do with his
behaviour? It’s all a horrific act of victim-blaming…
On the topic of assaults, I was the victim of an even more frightful form of attack, which is sexual
assault, and it happened more than once. Firstly I remember vividly and gruesomely when I was
slapped in the anus for failing a high jump in PE class. I also remember a guy who slapped my
testicles so hard that I couldn’t feel like an actual human being in Math class. And I took all the blame
onto myself, that I had to have done something to make them do these grave actions. After all, who
would do such a thing without any reason?
Another thing that I took the blame for, is none other than the Chinese subject. I had awful ability in
Chinese, constantly failing or barely passing assignments and assessments. I was basically at the
bottom of my set. My teacher even threatened to move me down once. I was tortured to do dictations
4 times a week in F3. Around 50 words per day, except Wednesday. Nasty. Single-handedly gave me
sleep issues. My parents all said it was due to me not reading books. However, if there was no longer
any hope in my Chinese, what would even be the purpose of doing such a loathsome and
time-consuming thing, I wonder furiously to my soul.
Speaking of that, my parents were more negligent. They never taught me proper revision methods
(only highlighting; ineffective), or feeling-management methods (only isolation;anxiety-provoking). It’s
like toxic masculinity, like a poison to my mind, like a toxin to my health. Yet they still pressured me
without any useful advice. Demons. They were too hopeful, hopeful to the point that they failed to
remember the limits of humankind, the soundness of mind.
My past like many's ones was all a disaster.
That I wish had never happened.
That I wish could be erased from my brain.
I wish people would understand the trauma of this.
-
Even now, these things still do not fade away like a cloud and vanish.
But, I realized that there was one thing missing: self-acceptance. The literal kind, not the kind posted on cringe social medias, but the stoic kind.
I never accepted the fact that my past was unchangeable, that the mind has limits, and that there will
always be people against me.
It is a process, call me out on this, but it’s detachment.
It’s not negative at all, in fact, it often leads to a better life.
I think it comes with age and brain development.
However, I know how unpleasent it is to have an undeveloped brain that lacks self-acceptance and
does not want you to have the same.
In an aware state of the mind, actively doubt the thoughts.
If it is emotional reasoning or seems like there is no humanly doable solution, then it likely does not
reflect the true self.
Awareness is the first step to acceptance. Awareness of flaws leads to the realization that hatred is
not always true.
Even if life is objectively below average, many others want to help such a person put more purpose
and acceptance.
After self-acceptance, I had a change. The first such major one in a long time of living.
I could live my days with less anxiety, and even though this is my public examination year, I feel much
better than junior form year.
Compassion also comes to me, since I have accepted my faults and am willing to admit them, I can
finally regulate my fear of living.
It gave me a higher willingness to do lots of past papers, and exiting the netherworld of being lost in a
cavern I had no idea where to even go.
To summarize, overall, ditching self-hatred to gain self-acceptance has been such a life-altering
conversion, contributing to no longer lacking a sense of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment in my life.
This is not easy, society, trauma, perfectionism, judgement, mind, and anxiety all get in the way, but
developing self-acceptance, even after many years will be worth a lot in terms of increased peace of
life, keeping accurate and less harmful thoughts in the cranium, and learning how to solve problems
through approval of the identity of oneself.